Excerpt from my book: a story about abortion

- exclusively for the members of the Quantum Healing Forum -


The Magic of Felting Dragons

The amazing paranormal adventures with felted animals while rediscovering

the ancient Dragon Path to Mastery the female artist's way.


Sleepless in Berlin



The daughter of my longtime friend Annette asked if she could stay overnight with me for a trip to Berlin. I agreed and felt the visit changed my now rather secluded life. I still could not quite get used because, in my job, I was together daily with quite a few people. I knew Sandra only briefly and was also curious about her. With the consent of my own daughter, I put her up in her room.


We sat in the kitchen for a long time on the first evening, and Sandra told me about her problems. She immediately trusted me but asked me not to reveal anything about the content of our conversations to her mother, which was a matter of course. She had no one else in her life to talk to.


After a stay abroad, she had been taken in again by Mama and had moved with her to a foreign city, but she couldn't find a job and the whole situation put a lot of strain on her, especially since they were both living in cramped conditions on State support. Sandra lacked the courage to face life, self-confidence, and everything that normally made life exciting and beautiful for other twenty-somethings.


I listened and tried to be there for her. Finally, it was getting late. I felt very heavy from the conversation, as I always feel when dealing with depressed people. Tired, we went to bed, and Sandra's regular breaths soon informed me that she had also fallen asleep quickly.


But I could not sleep. I tossed and turned and tried everything to get to sleep because, at the same time, I was not only tired but even downright drained from the conversation. Eventually, I realized that my efforts were futile. I just couldn't find any sleep. I had to come to terms with it and keep myself busy somehow, an inner turmoil was further confusing me, and I needed to distract myself. I got up and sat down at my wool. Aimlessly I felt with the needle on it, in the hope to calm me inwardly so far that I could still sleep.


Snippets of conversations, feelings, and problems around Sandra's life constantly ran through my head, as if we were still in the middle of the conversation. However, the thoughts in my head went far beyond that, and I was completely absorbed by them. And that, although I had trained myself through years of meditation to calm my thoughts. I simply did not succeed.


But what annoyed me the most was that these were not my own problems that kept me from regenerating despite exhaustion. They were not related to me and had nothing to do with my life, yet I simply couldn't shake them off. I was stuck with my thoughts and feelings in Sandra's problems as if it were a tough, sticky mass.


As a trained school mediator, I had gotten into the habit of always asking, "Whose problem is this?" That I now remembered.


If it did not belong to me and my life, I could not solve it, then it was also idle to think about it. I had already supported Sandra by listening to her, and now it should be enough because it was night, and my guest was asleep.


And while under my hands, a kind of lizard formed, I asked myself what my problem actually was, because that at least I would be able to solve. And found out my problem was that I had somehow become so intensely attuned to Sandra that I now could not stop their issues within myself. At the same time, I had to enviously realize how well Sandra was sleeping over there.


Of course, I was happy to support my friend's daughter, but not at the cost of my own night's rest, and unintentionally at that! I was angry with myself. At some point, I was supposed to be off work. This had never happened to me consciously so, but she was also the first in a long time who stayed overnight with me and was also completely strange.


Gradually my mood began to lighten, I emerged from the flood of thoughts. The lizard, meanwhile, was forming and growing to considerable size and beauty. Having reached this point, I was, as always, only immersed in joy at what I had done and glad that my retirement allowed me to devote myself entirely to my dolls. A long period of consolidation followed, and I continued felting quietly and contentedly. I was also feeling better. The heavy exhaustion had given way to contented and much lighter fatigue.


However, variants of Sandra's themes still walked through my brain, but they now seemed much paler and less emotional. And at some point, love and gratitude reappeared. In addition, the new lightfelt captivated my attention, and as always, I was then also in love with him.


When I had completed the wool-white lizard in the shell after an all-night stay, it was morning, my guest awoke, and we had breakfast together. And I could now separate myself well from the topics of the young woman. Our conversation also revolved around Berlin's sights. Neutral terrain. And when Sandra went off to see Berlin's tourist attractions to explore, I finally found my bed and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. I had worked through the whole night without stopping because I couldn't help it, but I still didn't understand my experience.


First of all, I slept for four hours. As soon as I woke up, I immediately looked enthusiastically at the lizard, stroked it, and examined it from all sides. It wouldn't let me go. I was already under a tremendous creative flow again and wanted to continue working. I hurriedly got dressed and made my usual rounds in the bathroom because everything in me drew me to the lizard. I could hardly wait to cover it with colored wool now.


I sank back into my frisking, and the day passed over it, it had grabbed me as always, and I kept at it. I covered the lizard in green, then it got patterns and spots and finally a distinct head. This lasted and lasted because the lizard had turned out very long. Already alone, the tail covering with green skin was a big piece of work. Nevertheless, I felt in balanced joy. And a calm, as I knew it from meditations, spread in me. It was so nice when the head remained empty and let the hands do. There was so much peace in that. I then simply felt quite blissful.


In this state, my visitor found me in the evening, and this time we didn't talk long. Sandra soon went to bed tired and full of new impressions. I wanted to do the same, but everything repeated itself as the evening before. I suddenly found myself in Sandra's life again and, of course, could not sleep this time either. Now I was overwhelmed with self-reproaches about my stupidity to have opened myself for a conversation again because I suspected there was a connection.


But what should I have said to Sandra without hurting her? She had enough problems as it was. I felt sorry for her, too. And how should I explain something to Sandra that I didn't understand myself? What was wrong with me? Why was I wandering around in Sandra's life at night? I tried to concentrate on my own life. God knows I had enough topics of my own. If I really wanted to roll around problems at night.


But something in me kept pulling me back into Sandra's life. As soon as I wasn't paying attention, I stuck my nose in again. That was really inner hard work! But at night and so overtired, that was not really possible. And so, at some point, I resignedly let the film 'Sandra' continue to run inside me.


At first, I worked reluctantly and later with growing enthusiasm on the lizard. Thus, the second night passed. Since I had slept only four hours during the day, I felt even more worn down when the second day dawned. That was a robbery at my health. It shot me by the head. It couldn't go on like this. But I also knew that I could neither stop nor truly find sleep until my felt figure reached a certain state of seclusion.


I had to do something. I wouldn't last another night. Was I rolling Sandra's problems because she was in my apartment? Because when Sandra was away in Berlin, I had found peace. I didn't know how to help myself other than to put Sandra in front of the door prematurely because I was already on the verge of nervously going berserk. The familiar confusion gripped me quite massively.


This time at breakfast, I told my visitor that, unfortunately, she would not be able to stay with me for a third night. I wanted to get it across so that Sandra would not relate to and offend. I suggested that she take it as a chance to come clean with her father, who also lived in Berlin. Sandra had not dared to ask him about the overnight stay before but was now confident in this matter. She left her things there to meet with her father without obligation and continue to move comfortably through the city as a tourist, but she was also confident that she would find a solution for the next night.


When she moved off, I went back to bed. Again, I slept only four hours, then the emerging Lightfelt drew me again under its spell, and I felt and felt, this time on the details and on the strength. When my critical eye could no longer find anything that disturbed, and my hands with closed eyes could only feel the harmony of the form, I was, as always, completely immersed in the feeling of completeness and happiness of result.


My lightfelt piece was right. Now I could go to the eyes. I always did that at the end. The lizard got big and thick eyes and squinted a bit confused, and that also fit well with my confused nights. Only now also this Lightfelt sent me clear impulses to its appearance.


He wanted to get another long tongue, and it should then hang out of his mouth as if he were craving water. Maybe it was a desert lizard, I thought. This lizard, which was over a meter long, looked a little crazy. And then I heard, "I am not a lizard. I am a newt."


And I named him Max Newt. I proudly looked at the magnificent giant newt and was satisfied.


But it wasn't long before I found myself back in Sandra's life, but this time on the happy side, in good time, because that's how Sandra had described her stay in Mexico to me. She had lived with her grandfather and found her love and lost it again in the end. I literally sat the rogue in the neck and in the best mood formed in me the rhyme:


 "Viva Mexico, I'm happy with Sandra. “(In German that was a good sounding rhyme).


And only then did I know that Max Newt came for Sandra. And she couldn't afford to buy him because she was living on welfare. And so, I assumed once again that God must be asking me to give Sandra the lizard. And since God was above everything to me, that was natural.


I had just gotten used to the idea when Max Newt started dictating a letter to Sandra, which I dutifully wrote down. And when Sandra picked up her things, I gave her the lizard as a present. She had been fascinated by the intermediate stages and liked the lizard from the beginning. Very touched, she received her Max Newt, she could hardly believe her luck, she was mightily in love with the colorful fellow, as she now confessed, but since she had also witnessed how long I sat on the figure, she had decided not to even ask about the price, convinced that it was certainly too high. She hadn't expected it to be given to her and her emotions ran high. My Christ Child Syndrome was also activated again. I was not a pensioner. No, I was now a joy maker by profession.


Even the letter touched Sandra. It went into detail about her life and gave her a lot of courage. He spoke of her strengths. And Max Newt wanted to accompany her always from now on. She would no longer be alone. This was one of those moments when I was really quite sure that my Lightfelt was alive, or at least that a human, thinking and feeling being was called into the room with this felt figure. Sandra happily packed up her things and drove to her father's and later back home. And I finally fell into a deep sleep.


Every now and then, Sandra got in touch again and told me how happy she was with her newt. I was touched by her gratitude. The animal figure had built a bridge between us so that Sandra continued to turn to me with pleasure with her problems. Once, she told me that Max Newt was rolling on the wall at the other end of the room in the morning instead of lying on the bedside table as usual. She had wondered about this because she could not remember sleeping restlessly at night and throwing him in her sleep. No one else came into the room either. In addition, it was quite long and bulky. Half-sleep she would have rather emptied the whole nightstand and would certainly not have come up with this width. Once again, quite amazing.


It took me a long time to notice that Sandra's mother no longer contacted me. Why didn't Annette feel the need to comment on Sandra's visit, especially on the new felt roommate? After all, the two of us had often talked about the new dolls, which Annette had previously only known from pictures (especially the two goddesses, who will be introduced in the next book). I knew from experience that my light-felted dolls only really unfolded their effect when you experienced them in real life. You have to sit with them and meditate.


Now Annette's daughter came home with such a stately specimen and not a word from Annette. Strange. Had Max Newt not pleased her? Four weeks had passed, and I finally wanted to know what was going on. I called and asked. Annette was very cautious on the phone for a long time, but finally, she came out with what had happened.


When Sandra came home and held the Max Newt out to her, beaming with joy, Annette went into a deep shock from which she was slow to recover. Her throat was tight, and she felt nauseous.


Cautiously, she tried to uncover the background of this felt figure and, above all, to find out what her daughter had talked about with me. For Annette had a secret—and only hesitantly, and after making sure that Sandra had not conspired with me against her, was she willing to reveal it to me: Annette had conceived four children in her life but had given birth to only two of them.


The two abortions were surrounded by feelings of guilt and hurt that anyone who had ever been in a similar situation could understand. Self-reproaches accompanied the mother, and in her emotional distress, she went years ago to a medical session with a healer. She wanted to talk to the unborn children and ask for forgiveness. This was many years ago now and had helped her a lot at that time.


In the session, the issue could also be healed for her noticeably. In the end, she saw the two unborn children each walking away at the hand of an angel. The only thing that surprised Annette afterward was that both children were dressed up for carnival! She had not been able to make any sense of this.


And the little boy wore a green lizard costume, exactly as I had now felted with Max Newt! Exactly to the hair! Of course, then a bomb went off in her head: How much did I know (nothing), had I talked with her daughter about things that I could perceive clairvoyantly? What had I told her daughter about this secret? Because Sandra had not been welcome either but had been born just the same. Annette naturally loved her daughter very much as soon as she was born and did not want to offend her. And because she had a guilty conscience toward her, she never talked to Sandra about the other abortions.


I sincerely regretted that Annette hadn't found the courage to talk to her daughter or to me right away. She could have saved herself a lot of excitement. Still, surely it was also important to boil the subject down once again without outside influence. I also had to digest this story myself first, but I affirmed to Annette that I had in no way seen clairvoyantly and that I really didn't know why I had just frisked Max Newt in this way. Until the end, I had not even known that Max Newt belonged to Sandra. Annette then added that the name ‘Max’ also had a certain meaning, which worried her no less. All in all, her emotional kettle was boiling over.


What was that? How should I now classify this experience? What was closer than the assumption that Sandra and her unborn brother in the lizard costume stayed with her for a visit in Berlin. He drove me constantly to filch the reptile. Max Newt could obviously get in touch with the almost-sister via the light-felted newt. She simply felt all around well and mentally very supported by her Max. And so, I suspected that it would have been important above all for Sandra to have this brother. By their mother's decision, both children had been interrupted in their karmic appointment, I guess.


“He'll find a way to be born near her, too,” I thought then. “Maybe as a child or grandchild.”


Sandra enjoyed this support. The soul of her almost-brother now stayed close to her and stood by her. Max Newt simply did Sandra good. I explained it to myself and was also really proud of myself as a doll healer. So far, so good, I was ready to serve, only I did not want to be flooded with it helplessly, willy-nilly, just because I behaved like before and gave quarters to the daughter of a friend. I decided: No overnight stays more, but especially not as a favor to complete strangers......

Awakening to my True Self

with Needles, Wool and Quantum Light